Thoughts of a Dying Atheist

As much as I try to dismiss it I can’t. What does it mean? I’ve become an addict to the enigma. Leading a lonely life full of selfish decisions and much regret, it seems the night summons my inner demons to haunt my every thought. My long measures of chaotic insanity are disrupted only by gloomy occurrences of miserable solitude. Sleep would be my only escape; how I yearn for it. My conscience won’t allow it.

The short refuge from this life long torment, my rare state of nirvana comes solely from random episodes of paralysis. The dream is always the same. My senses convince me it’s real; logic demands otherwise. Am I dreaming? What if I’m not? Maybe then reality is just my nightmare? If a dream is as colorful as reality how then does one make the distinction?

In the dream I am plagued by the question. I’m obsessed with it. The brilliant minds since the beginning have disputed over it and still to no avail. Why must it be me that is appointed the task? Each failure, the moment I give up, leads me back to this agony. I need to know before it happens ag-

Oh God.
My muscles contort.
My body relapses.
My mind becomes feeble.
My vision fades to black.

—————————————————————————————–

I’m on a beach and it’s the middle of the night. Helen is also there. My dear Helen, how I miss you. We are the only ones around as far as the eyes can see on this desolate beach side. Our light is provided by the beaming moon and its reflection off the calm and quiet waves complementing the white sand. The atmosphere feels incomplete as if it were before dawn of the fourth day in the book of Genesis. Life as we know it does not yet exist here. Yet, here we are and at the same time we are not concerned why.

Although we’ve been here for hours time has ceased. I know this only because the moon is static during our long stay. The weather corresponds well with the bliss of this ocean view. During the gentle breeze we talk endlessly about everything and every aspect of it including how it all began. The glisten in her eyes originates off the glare from the radiance of her mind.

“Well, honestly I disagree with you… slightly. I say He does exist, God just doesn’t interfere. I agree that we live our lives under a natural order; an order based on the laws of physics but I don’t think science will ever overcome religion.”

“I know what you mean; we’ll never make it to that point. We’ll end up destroying ourselves first.”

“Well actually, my point is this. I think science will coexist with religion one day; that is if we are disciplined enough to make it that far. I mean you’re right; science has disproven a lot of what religion has taught. We do live in a round world, we rotate around the sun, we even now know the parting of the red sea was a natural event.”

“Yes, what is it called? A Perfect Storm, right? I mean researchers target a lot of religious mysteries to further satisfy their belief in science. Even the star the three shepherds followed has been identified as a double eclipse of Jupiter. Where are you going with this? So far you’ve been agreeing with me in a tone of disparity.”

“Even if science explains everything, how can it possibly explain how it all began? Every cause has an effect which causes another effect right? So, if we back track every effect to its cause and we go all the way back to the first cause what then caused that?”

“I see. Causality; the chicken or the egg dilemma. So you know the answer to this?”

“I do, but you’re not going to like it.”

“Tell me.”
“Think about it.”
“Tell me!”
“Think.”
I think. I give up
“No.”
“Think!”
“No!”
“THINK!”

I think. I focus in on her eyes as she does mine. I dilate my pupils to look at her face while her synchronized mind does the same. It is then I connect the dots. My smile causes her smile.

“Oh G-” I stop myself.

“Exactly. God.
There is your Divine Intervention and here is what I propose. Our universe, before it was anything, was just a vast body of nothing. In fact, our universe is still made up of nothing with very few exceptions. Collect everything there is in the universe and you will see that “everything” is so minute in comparison to the totality of “nothing” that “everything” is demoted to the level of just “something.” How much space is there between planets, between solar systems, and between galaxies? There is very good reason why we call it space; it lives up to the name. It’s just emptiness out there with very few stains. Now imagine it without all these exceptions; with the absence of matter, the absence of sound, and most importantly the absence of light. The universe, this desolate canvas, this massive void, even before the first cause is kicked into motion still exists and it exists under certain laws. Laws meticulously crafted so as to allow this elegant universe to run properly without further intervention. The same laws Isaac discovered; the same laws Albert clarified.”

What a beautiful mind.

“Now back to the first cause and to what I was saying. If in fact there is a God, he doesn’t interfere. We just live our lives under the laws of physics. Remember what Euclid said, ‘The laws of nature are but the mathematical thoughts of God.’ I believe the very first cause was Divine Intervention. God creates somewhere in this empty universe a single atom of heat and that is it; the first cause. The primordial atom so to speak. God takes a step back and the rest is evolutionary.

From this single speck of heat, this pioneer is floating around in a pool of vacancy but its heat is just strong enough to form another speck of heat. These two specks form two more. Exponentially they continue to multiply. As the heat particles continue to grow they also begin to spread. As they spread they begin to form patches; some bigger than others. It is because of the different amounts and mixes of heat still multiplying that constructs different types of particles. So now we have different temperatures and different elements in these different patches. They are what we know now as gases. So eons pass and we have a chaotic cesspool of gases just floating around bumping into each other. These collisions cause even more complex gases and it is only a matter of time, in a universe where time does not yet exist and yet has all the time it needs, before a bad combination attempts to mix but instead sets off an explosion. Light now exists and with light comes the beauty of color.”

She paints the most stunning pictures using only words.

“Who knows how many explosions occur but it causes these gases to spin out of control. Now, Newton’s first still applies: Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state unless an external force is applied. There is nothing else affecting the gases now other than this ‘Big Bang.’ So these gases just continuously spin to no end. The rotating motion causes the gases to grow tighter and tighter and ultimately the particles of these gases become so compacted they begin to form liquids and solids.”

She continues on with a voice of a Seraph. I struggle to focus on her elucidation to Universal Gravitation, Center of Mass, Modification of Kepler’s Third, and even on the Origin of Species but her celestial body is a welcomed distraction. As she continues to enlighten I see that she herself is the result of a combination of atoms, dust particles, and random space debris. Now I’m on my own intellectual quest. How can chaos create something so stunning, so… so…

An inspired poet left silenced.
All he has left to do is…

Think.

In an immense pool of absolute nothing unmerciful chaos was born and somehow created its own exception.

Nothing creating chaos creating splendor.

Is that possible?

Think.
No.
Think!
No!
THINK!
NO!

The answer is no. It has to be. Chance can create beauty by the wonder and awe of nature but it is the brilliance of minds that create magnificence. Our minds are what bends and manipulates the things all around us. Look at what we’ve accomplished. Children find life long friends in the playgrounds of school yards everyday; every morning people rush to work using highways or subways, finding their way around impossible mazes but with the daily goal of making this world a better place; families spend time together in their homes making each other laugh. The flaw of the English language is its limited vocabulary but a fruitless attempt to clarify is still a worthy effort:

In cosmic time the human species has been around for only an instant and yet what we have accomplished is truly wonderful.

And that is the point. No random combination of stuff swirled together by an accidental flare-up could have manifested this magnum opus, this trinity of mind, body, and soul, this divine angel. To simplify it further, no matter how much time the universe is allowed, in all its creations it will never produce something as simple as a pocket watch as well designed as man has been able to. In the same respect, the universe by itself could not have contrived Helen; she is the embodiment of perfection.

Could it?
Think.
No.
Think!
No!
THINK!

Oh G-
I stop myself.

All this time; all this wondering.
The answer was right there in front of me.
I understand now what she has been trying to teach me.
I look around.
I’m still here.
I grab her and together we make this timeless night last forever.

—————————————————————————————–

-A short story by Morally Oblogatory

Inspirations – Carl Sagan, The Muse

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